I hope I still have a few followers out there who will happen to see that I've finally posted. I don't blame you all if you have given up on us, but you should stay tuned because this year I promise to get back in the habit of blogging. I have always enjoyed keeping up with all of Rylynn's happenings here and I love to look back through my posts as if flipping through the pages of her scrapbook. So I do intend to catch up and hopefully stay caught up.
Here's my
excuse explanation of why there was such a pause. When I left off at the end of July, I quickly had so many photos and good things to report about, but then September hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm not sure why the emotions of previous year came flooding in like they did, but it was awful. I didn't really feel like writing about all the things I was feeling. It was in Septemeber 2011 that we almost lost Ry. I don't know how to describe the wave of pain and guilt that I was feeling. I was feeling many things because of what we had gone through, but mainly there was so much pain and guilt for the donor family and for those who had lost their precious heart babies. Gilly was so supportive and helped me through it. It was his love and Rylynn's presence that got me through.
The weird thing is that once October came around and Rylynn's heart one year transplanniversary was here, I was very at peace with things. My heart was happy. I was grateful.
I also think I had a bit of a revelation within myself about our tough times in the hospital and even before. I was told over and over how strong I was and how folks admired my positive attitude. Guess what... the real truth is that I'm pretty sure I spent all that time more or less in denial. Or atleast to those around me. I think about this alot. I wonder if it was God's way of helping me help Ry through her tough times. I could not afford to let her see defeat. I had to work everyday to wake up with a smile, find her favorite cartoon and talk about how much fun we'd have in therapy. All the while I was petrified inside. I had to push forward. I feel like it will take me years to work through and continue to unravel the emotions, and I know one day soon we'll have to explore Rylynn's feelings too. I pray that Gilly and I will be prepared for that.
So enough with the deep thoughts. Let's look at what we've been up to! I can't wait to share!
2 comments:
Excited to see your post. So very happy that Ry is doing wonderfully well. I have nothing in my life to relate what you've gone thru in Ry's short life, but I can understand the different feelings you've been struggling with. I believe you've made a wonderful life for Ry and have been a awe-inspiring spokesperson for transplant patients and donors. That's something your donor family can hold on to as everyone tries to gain a sense of peace with the realities of their world.
Andrea,
I'm glad you are feeling at peace and that the love of your family helped carry you though. I pray that it always does. Like you said, the feelings and emotions will never completely go away, and often, they will crop up at unexplained times. Remember that you have friends that do understand exactly what you are feeling and are here to help...any time. We love you, Ry, and Gilly very much. Big hugs.
Maddie
Post a Comment